This might not be a typical comment, but I feel like I need to vent and this feels like a good place to do it because I love your site.
I am a social worker in Manitoba.
I am an empath, and I am really great with people, but I tend to take on a lot.
I am struggling after seven years doing this work with how to not take it onto the point where it’s affecting my personal life. I care so much about the people and the families that I work with, but it is starting to affect my mental health in a big way. I am worried that if I continue doing this work, it is going to overtake me and lead me even further into depression than I already am.
I want to help and fix every person that comes to me, but I have to realize that I can’t.
Might be time for a career change.
It is hard to not become jaded or bias, and when I can notice it affecting my ability to work with people in the same way, as when I started, I need to really think about that. If I am not showing up as my best self and able to provide the support that these people need in the way they needed it, and I am losing the ability to support myself, this feels like a giant warning sign.
Thank you for the content on empathy overload, and the burnout that comes with being a caretaker.
Thank you for doing what you do it helps me on a daily basis.

A letter to my brother...

Dear James,
I never had the courage to say these things to you while you were still in this world, and even now I struggle to say them because you struggled so much, and I never felt that I could be angry.
Having a brother is supposed to be a gift. Someone who is a friend for life, who is always there no matter what. But you weren't there. You were always too busy falling apart and taking up the oxygen of every room you were in, and of everyone around you. I never had the space to struggle. I had to have it all together. Be the responsible one. If I needed a parent or family support it always took a backseat to whatever crisis you happened to be in. I went through life having to do things on my own. I was not "allowed" to resent our parents for being unavailable...because what about James? I certainly was never allowed to resent you for only caring about yourself...because you had it so hard. It was hard for us all. I watched you drain the life and finances out of mom and dad, manipulate them into feeling like it was their fault, and watched you force them into your constant need for rescuing. Just when they were drained, depleted, fading away, and unable to keep giving in, you decided it was the perfect time to remove yourself from this life, and left us all to pick up the pieces. You not only ended your life, you ended theirs in so many ways too. With the guilt and weight they now carry, they will never be the same. Even now, feeling anger towards you doesn't feel "acceptable." But I am angry. I am angry that you were too self-absorbed to help yourself and help all of us in the process. I am angry that you left this mark on us all, and we will never be able to put this weight down.
I love you brother and I hope you are at peace. I wish things could have been different. I wish I could have had the brother I was promised. The brother I expected to have throughout my life. But I cannot change the way it went. So, I am choosing to forgive you so that my weight can be a bit lighter. I don't want to carry this anger in my heart. Maybe now you can understand this and watch over our family and help us heal somehow. Hope to see you on the other side one day with a smile on your face.

Through working with a therapist, I have recently come to realize that my whole life I have picked male partners that filled a father figure void in my life. These have all been extremely unhealthy relationships.
I’m curious if you have any insights into why we do this and how to break the pattern.
I think I always needed a partner who made me feel safe, even if they weren’t the right choice. I want to be aware of this going forward so that I can make more informed decisions when dating. Thank you. ❤️

You recently spoke about a question someone asked you regarding childhood abuse, and how it affects people later in life.
When I was younger, I was a victim of sexual ass assault. It has messed with me for most of my life, even though I thought I had buried it deep enough that it would never come back to the surface. Now, as an adult male in my 40s, I struggle with sex addiction, attention, addiction, and a shame spiral that I cannot seem to free from. I would’ve thought going through something like that when I was younger, would have an opposite effect on me. That I would not be interested in sex as much as I am. I find that I am drawn to porn multiple times a day, engaging in online relationships, and infidelity in my marriage.
Because of this, I have had to acknowledge that the shame that I carry around with me is overwhelming. I feel so guilty for my behaviours and yet I can’t seem to stop them. Every time I act out in this way, the shame and self hatred get worse and worse. I know that these actions are actively destroying my relationship with the person I care about the most. I am lucky to be married to a beautiful woman who is everything I could ever want and more, and yet I still feel the need to seek attention from people and places I never thought I would go near. I would love to be able to figure out why, when I have everything I could want and more, my brain for some reason tells me I should throw a wrench into it all. I have seen therapists who specialize in these types of issues, but I have yet to find a program or a person that really knows what it is like. I would leave the sessions feeling like there were something wrong with me.Yy as you said, these people went to school and had fancy diplomas, but I could tell that they never really experienced it themselves. I am really looking forward to the upcoming blog post on this topic because I would love to find some kind of relief.

I don’t know what to do.
I have been secretly battling addiction for the last five years. It started with a doctor over prescribing me medication. I was a new mom and completely overwhelmed. I think I had to postpartum depression. But I was put on all kinds of anxiety meds. They helped for a while, but then they didn’t. But I had been taking so many of them for so long that I couldn’t do anything without them. When I went to my doctor to explain that they weren’t working and that I needed more or a higher dose, my doctor decided it would be a good idea to stop the medication. I didn’t realize the effect this would have and I ended up in the hospital thinking that I had had a heart attack.
My doctor didn’t ask me how I was feeling, recommend that I get some real help and support, or even try to suggest something new.
He didn’t see me as a person who was drowning. I feel like the medication has become my own personal set of handcuffs.
I have gone to see counselors, but they don’t know what it’s like. I’m so scared to do this on my own. I should be able to just stop, to just be OK, and to love motherhood. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t accomplish those things. I feel like a bad person. Everybody talks so much about drinking, being an alcoholic, or using street drugs. But no one really talks about how prescription medication can very quickly ruin your life.
I need help I don’t know what to do.

My brother has battled addiction since the age of 15. He’s 34 now. Our parents don’t understand addiction and the way they try to “help” him is by being judgemental and angry.
Don’t get me wrong I’m angry with him too. He has lied and manipulated all of us for most of his life. I keep telling them that judging won’t do anything but make him ashamed and run in the opposite direction. I had to step back from them and him. I have had to realize that I can’t make our parents understand and I can’t make him want to change. The helplessness is overwhelming. Like you said I’ve told him if he wants to really get help I will be there no matter what, but I won’t keep watching him die. Now lm focused on myself and what’s in my power. Al-anon has really helped.
If you are stuck in codependency and are not wanting to enable it is OK to step
Away. Won’t change the love you have but it might me the very thing that saves
Him.

I was in a marriage for almost 20 years with someone who was completely emotionally unavailable. The chasing and begging you spoke of. Every time there was an upset, or a disagreement, I was the only one who tried. I started every talk, I tried to break the silent treatment. I had to spell out why I was hurt or frustrated. She would not hear or acknowledge anything for weeks sometimes months. When she was finally willing to see her side in it, so much time would have passed that it did not even seem relevant anymore. Every bad behavior that would upset me was flipped around to be about me and "how dare I be upset?" Gaslighting. Emotional abuse. Mental abuse. I stayed because it had become so "normal" over the years. It almost felt like I had been groomed for 2 decades. I love her so I was scared to leave. When I did it was so scary. Once I was out of that environment for a while I could not believe how obvious the torment had been. Realizing that for so long that is what I felt I deserved. It got to a point though where I didn't want to look back at 70 years old and wish I had done something different. I thought that it would be over forever. Remarkably after a few years she actually realized that I really wasn't going to just be there forever no matter what. She actually did some work on herself and came to me acknowledging her behavior. I was scared to take her word for it, but after time she showed me that she really had made changes. We are working on reconciling and now it's like starting over with new versions of us both.

Sounds fucking cheezy but that whole "if you love them let them go, and if they come back it was meant to be etc" actually IS a thing.

The journey is far from over but it's getting there. I know what I deserve now, and I won't accept anything less.
Feels good.

I just left a big family dinner and I feel so low. It’s that post social exhaustion you talked about. I thought something was wrong with me for the longest time. Questioned whether I loved my family or not. Why am I like this. It helps knowing this happens to a lot of people. I love my family but let’s face it we don’t get to choose them. Glad I have a chosen family that leaves me feeling full and recharged.
Like you told me once…with family there’s just “too much stuff there.” Sending love to anyone who feels sad after being with family. You’re not wrong.

Maybe this isn’t the right spot for this comment but I just wanted people to know that if you have gone to counseling or seen therapists and specialists and are still feeling like something is missing you need to try something different. This feels like talking to a therapist/psychic/spirit guide/healer all in one. It’s hard to describe. She somehow makes you the one healing yourself. I don’t know how but it’s like fixing my soul which then heals my mind my body physically and my emotions. Things feel lighter and clear. A beautifully bizarre experience that I won’t stop repeating. Thank you Brit

I just want to see that your blog posts about addiction have been incredibly powerful for me. My sister struggled with addiction for most of my life and I had such a hard time with enabling/helping her. It is so hard to know the right thing to do when someone you love is suffering. It is hard to get to a point where you have to step back and take care of yourself even if it means they are going to hit rock bottom. After some time, it turned out to be the thing that made her realize she needed to get help. It’s so nice to know that there is someone out there who gets it and can put it into words perfectly. I am still getting support and doing my healing. Thank you for what you share. If there is anyone out there who has a loved one struggling with addiction, just know that you are doing the best you can. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out. It’s also OK to put yourself first.